In my capacity as a magazine editor, I receive a lot of press releases, media packages and appeals for publicity. Most of them are complete shit and have nothing whatsoever to do with the subject matter of my magazines. But that’s okay because I always enjoy receiving free crap and swag, including weirdly shaped jump drives (I have one that looks like a chicken), squeezable stress animals (a pig in a bathing suit? WTF?), child-sized gardening tools (can we say re-gift), a plethora of reusable cloth grocery bags, boxed soup base (don’t ask), and enough coffee mugs to supply a caffeine addicted Moms and Tots group.
The email press releases are even stranger and most are borderline weird. But I received the most bizarre, crazy, out-of-this-world shocking one this morning.
I’m currently in Wolfville, Nova Scotia, attending a conference and when things get down right boring, I check my email. I actually laughed out loud during a presentation (very rude of me) when I read the subject line of this one: Ontario Students Using Sugar Daddies to Fund College.
My thumb had been hovering over the iPhone garbage can but I stopped myself. This sounded interesting; this sounded bizarre; this sounded like a form of prostitution. I had to learn more.
For some rather weird reason, Leroy Velasquez from an Internet company based in – you guessed it – Las Vegas (with a remote office in the Ukraine – I wonder what they do there?) – thought I needed to know more about a website being advertised as the world’s largest Sugar Daddy dating site with more than 2.7 million members.
Sugar Daddy? I thought that was just some stupid term the Republican Party in the U.S. trotted out when wanting to bad mouth the possibility of helping women fund birth control pills. It seems I was wrong.
According to the press release, they are a web-based service interested in helping people find that “beautiful thing” – a mutually beneficial arrangement. And why are those particular relationships so beautiful? Because “all successful relationships are beneficial to both people.”
Obviously, we’re not talking marriage here.
According to the website: “older, wealthier men and younger, more beautiful women have been seeking each other out for thousands of years. It’s a tradition that’s not going to change anytime soon.”
Of course it isn’t, especially if you continue to provide them with a website to continue doing their icky, chronophilia/borderline prostitution transactions that makes most people’s skin crawl and provides your company with a healthy financial profit. But I’m sorry; I digress.
So the way this website works is “SugarBabies” (re: desperate college girls with big boobs, small waists, gorgeous hair, no money, who are tired of eating pot noodles and KD) read and agree to the website’s membership statement (whatever the hell that is), select the type of account they want, fill in a one-page profile and then activate their account after they receive an email confirmation. Once the website profile is filled in accurately and their photo is “approved” (meaning they’re good looking enough to join the stable of other young women) they get to use the website for free. “SugarDaddies” or “SugarMommas” who fill in their profile accurately and have an “approved” photo are provided with a free trial – 10 free emails. After that, they need to upgrade to a paid service.
The user testimonials are rather humorous.
“I love beautiful young ladies, and I am not ready to commit,” says a handsome dark-haired guy who looks to be in his late 30s, early 40s. He’s holding a fan of Benjamins in his hands. “This website is the perfect dating website for me.”
Of course it is, you shallow, money-grubbing asshole with commitment issues. Not that I’m judging …
“As a … Sugar Baby, I get two big questions from my girlfriends,” says Kaylee, a college sophomore with bleached blonde hair and a fondness for denim. “The first is always, ‘How do you do that?’ So I tell them. Then they ask, ‘How do I do that?’”
In other words, Kaylee is now recruiting her friends into prostitution because, hey, what are friends for?
And then there is the classic:
“Men my age are too immature,” says a sexy blonde college sophomore who is busy getting a shiny wrapped gift from her grey-haired Sugar Daddy, who looks old enough to be her dad. “My current arrangement is wonderful. Unlike other cash strapped students, I am pampered with expensive gifts (which she probably promptly sells on eBay). My sugar daddy is the sweetest man I know. He is my mentor, my benefactor and my lover.”
Awe, isn’t that sweet?
The sad thing is I don’t know whether to pull my hair out in frustrated disgust or applaud these young women for their cold hearted, calculated, entrepreneurial spirit. At the moment, I’m leaning toward disgust because, when I made my first stand for women’s rights as a naïve Grade 8 girl, I was fighting for the opportunity to take machine shop with the boys in my class rather than home economics with the girls. And you know what? It never once crossed my mind to give the shop teacher a blow job to get what I wanted. My father always said I didn’t have a head for business. But I still ended up taking machine shop that year without compromising my morals and I have a beautiful wooden bowl I formed on the lathe to show for it.
And just a heads up to all those people out there who have the cash or the hot bod to use this service (there’s obviously at least 2.7 million of you) – it is available in almost every U.S. state; the Toronto area of Ontario, Canada; all the sexy places in the UK, like Sheffield, Devon and Cornwall; eight of the biggest cities in Australia; plus Germany, Switzerland, Netherlands, Sweden, and Ireland.
So get busy all you successful and wealthy benefactors plus you attractive guys and girls willing to do almost anything for money. It sounds like you all deserve one another.